If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
