i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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