I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
