Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
