I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
