Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize