Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
