he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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