you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
