3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
