i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
