I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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