A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
