hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
