If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
