i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
