Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
