Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
