i think i have two assholes
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
