you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
