i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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