you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
