I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
