Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
he fucked my hip out of place.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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