The maid of honor just puked.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
