Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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