I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
