I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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