it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
