Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
