Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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