that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
