Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
