I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
home. puking in laundry basket.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
