Girls should come with a carfax report
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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