I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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