My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
