My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
