You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
