I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
In other news, I just burned my penis
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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