The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
