All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
