Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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