I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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