apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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