Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Randomize
