Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
