I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
