Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
