Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Randomize