I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
