if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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