Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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