K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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