I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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