I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
