Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
