He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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