Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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