It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
