Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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