I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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